Rock Stars Have Rules, Dammit!

posted in: Various Musings | 6

Have I said lately how much I love the internet?  There are so many reasons, and I’m going to wax poetic for a few minutes.  I got my bachelor’s degree a long time ago, when I had to type essays on a typewriter and research was done in dark corners of the campus library and involved card catalogues and microfiche.  When I got my master’s degrees, it was all computer based.  All of a sudden, research that would have taken weeks could be done in an hour or two, and if you wanted to revise a paper, it was a matter of cutting, pasting, deleting, and adding…not completely starting from scratch.

But another reason I love the internet—it has allowed me to, first of all, reconnect with people I haven’t seen in years.  Secondly, though, it’s allowed me to meet people I probably never would have if the internet had not connected us.  I have met so many wonderful people across the world, forming friendships with women I likely would have never met otherwise.  The internet has also introduced me to a woman I’ve been calling my “astral twin.”  I’ve said I think we were separated at birth, and I think Sarah called us “soul sisters.”  Our tastes are eerily similar but—more than that—our lives are quite similar too, in spite of the fact that I live in the U.S. and she hails from Great Britain.  So, thank you, internet, for introducing me to my soul sister.  You waited long enough.  😉

Believe it or not, though, this post is going somewhere and it’s not just for me to get all sappy.  Sarah Storm and I have similar taste in guys and we have a love of rock gods.  For a while now, we’ve been putting together The Rules of Rock Stars, because—it seems—some of these rock stars blatantly disobey them, and we don’t appreciate it.  Ultimately, though, we’ve put this list together as a public service.  Guys, if you’re in a rock band, it would serve you well to memorize this list and make sure you follow it.  It could save your career (after all, who do you think is buying all your CDs, t-shirts, and other cool merch?  It ain’t the boys).

The Rules of Rock Stars (especially the men of metal):

1) Long hair is a must. If as a rock star you have short hair, you must be super hot—enough that we can overlook the short hair.  (Sully Erna and Davey Richmond are obvious exceptions to this rule.)

2) You must take your shirt off once in a while, enough that there are pictures so we can see what you look like without your shirt for proper fangirl lusting.  (Jerry Horton is an exception to this rule, but we really wish he’d rethink it.)

3) You must have several tattoos. It’s okay if it takes time to find the perfect ones, but you must be working on it.  We need to see evidence that you’re taking it seriously.  (I think they’re all obeying this one.)

4) Piercings are optional but usually helpful.  (I think they take this one pretty seriously too.)

5) You need to wear ripped jeans once in a while.  Really helps our imagination go a little wild.

6) You need to have a wallet chain.  No exceptions.  There’s just something about a rock god wearing those ripped jeans and a wallet chain draping down the side…  (How many of those have I written about?)

7)  At least one video should be filmed in the rain.  We like seeing you dripping wet.  You can film more than one video in the rain if you like, but sometime during your career, you really need to make the rain video.

8) Guyliner only if you can pull it off.  Scary makeup is sometimes also a plus…again, if you can pull it off. (Scary makeup–think Angelo Parente.)

9) Necklaces/chokers are optional but work on the right guy.  (Matt Tuck is one of those right guys.)  Same with wristbands and other assorted accessories.

10)  Black should be the main color in your wardrobe.  White is also acceptable.  Red and gray are good occasional colors.  Blue jeans are perfect.  All other colors should be carefully considered.

Whew!  Our work here is done.  Now, guys, would you mind helping us out by completing these job duties fully and to the best of your abilities?  Your fans would very much appreciate it.  Obviously, there are little extras you can do along the way (like writing a sexy song or pumping some iron), but if you master the ones here, you are a rock god…well, that is, if your music kicks ass too…

Oh!  We have an addendum!  After much thought, there is one more to add…but don’t think that just because we thought of it later that it is any less important!

11) A little facial hair is nice (we can go for a little stubble, a goatee, a chin strap beard, or even sideburns or mutton chops on the right guy), but please leave the bushy beards to ZZ Top (no offense, Zakk Wylde and Lamb of God–the only reason you guys get away with it is because your music is so kick ass).

6 Responses

  1. Joanne Christenson

    This should be a mass mailing to every rock band

  2. this is brilliant – and oh so true!!!

    • LOL So glad you agree! Now if all the metal guys would just obey them! 😉

  3. Addendum: A nice size “budlge”, should be visible for our imagination.

    • 😀 I like the way you think!!! LOL I think that would be a definite plus but not a requirement. As long as they know how to handle their instrument and make sweet music…

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